Being a Supportive Wife During Hard Financial Times

I have written a few articles for Associated Content/Yahoo Contributor Network over the past few years. Since Yahoo is shutting down the business entity at the end of the month, I am re-publishing the pieces related to womanhood here.

Being a Supportive Wife During Hard Financial Times:
Musings and Lessons Learned from Washington Irving's "The Wife" (December 2010)

In "The Wife", a short story written by Washington Irving (1783-1859), the narrator's friend is fraught with agony over telling his wife about the financial losses he has suffered. The following article consists of musings inspired by "The Wife".

I recently came across a story written by Washington Irving (1783-1859) titled The Wife. Irving is best known for his short stories, The Legend of Sleepy Hollow and Rip Van Winkle. Although I had not read those stories in years, I remember them as being frightening and satirical, respectively. Imagine my surprise when I sat down to read The Wife, a moving, inspiring, and heart-felt story. The following article consists of musings inspired by The Wife.

Make Dollars Stretch. Everyone at some point has heard a tale of women of who made meals out of nothing, like the Frontier women of old that did not shrink from adversity but rose to be a husband's strongest ally and comforter. I once read of a wife in the Depression-era Ozark Mountains of Missouri that made do with soups of wild herbs.

Money fights and money problems are among the top reasons frequently cited for divorce today. There are so many jewels in prose of The Wife about the nature of trust and love. The narrator's friend is fraught with agony over telling his wife about the financial losses he has suffered. Whether one is a long-time married man who has endured financial storms or a young man hoping and praying that he does not marry the next "Real Housewife" of so-and-so or Peggy Bundy (for the old school readers), The Wife seems like it could be an encouraging read for men.

"...so is it beautifully ordered by Providence, that woman, who is the mere dependent and ornament of man in his happier hours, should be his stay and solace when smitten with sudden calamity; winding herself into the rugged recesses of his nature, tenderly supporting the drooping head, and binding up the broken heart."

The above excerpt is from The Wife. All things considered, I was still bristled by the "mere dependent and ornament of man" phrase until I thought deeper about it. Some ornaments, while dazzling and beautiful, when put under pressure, become nothing more than shattered glass. Yet others can withstand pressure because they are composed of something else entirely.

Make Your Dwelling Place a Home. What makes a home is not elegant china patterns, the newest furniture, or a Martha Stewart dinner spread, but the spirit of honor bestowed upon family and guests. It is making people feel as if they do exist, and matter, when they walk through that door. In the same vein, it does not take a lot of money to make home-cooked meals and have a clean house. Proverbs 14:1 says "the wise woman builds her home, but the foolish tears it down with her own hands."

From The Wife: "There is in every true woman's heart a spark of heavenly fire, which lies dormant in the broad daylight of prosperity; but which kindles up, and beams and blazes in the dark hour of adversity. No man knows what the wife of his bosom is- no man knows what a ministering angel she is- until he has gone with her through the fiery trials of this world."

Though I am presently unmarried, I am preparing for marriage in the case that God has set apart for me a husband, in whom I would highly esteem. Among other initiatives, I am learning to budget my finances while conquering the wiles of covetousness and discontentment. I would love to be a stay-at-home mom. For now, I work diligently and faithfully in my present duties.

I find it helpful to read blogs on homemaking and books on keeping house, such as Home Comforts: The Art and Science of Keeping House by Cheryl Mendelson. My Grandmother recently told me that she was storing five months of food for the winter months. I thought to myself "that's so cool!" She maintains a vegetable garden, stocks her cupboards with food, and keeps a deep freezer full of meat given to her from a relative who fishes and hunts wild game. No cat food for her! Every time I call her she always seems to be returning from taking someone a home-cooked meal.

There are so many women, both young and old who have shared with me valuable concepts on maintaining a well-oiled home. I shall consider their ways and be wise. To me, the heart of The Wife relates to what Apostle Paul said in his letter to the church at Phillipi:

"Not that I speak from want, for I have learned to be content in whatever circumstances I am. I know how to get along with humble means, and I also know how to live in prosperity; in any and every circumstance I have learned the secret of being filled and going hungry, both of having abundance and suffering need. I can do all things through Him [Christ Jesus] who strengthens me"

Sources:
The Sketchbook of Geoffrey Crayon."The Wife" by Washington Irving, 1820; full text: http://www.textfiles.com/etext/AUTHORS/IRVING/irving-wife-596.txt
The Bible (NASB)

Reflections on the Excellent Woman in Proverbs 31

I read a book a few months back called The Excellent Woman as described in the book of Proverbs by Anne Pratt (1852).  It was enormously helpful to me and written so beautifully.  I have desired to share my reflections from my reading of the book ever since I finished it, and I am pleased to finally post them here. Please note that all text in italics are direct quotations from the text.

courageous
quality of mind or spirit that enables a person to face difficulty, danger, pain, etc., without fear

The excellent woman is first and foremost, courageous. She holds fast to the truth of God's word and is not swayed by every wind of unsound doctrine or cultural expectation. She strives to imitate the virtues and graces of women as described in the Bible (1 Peter 3:6), not in her own strength (Proverbs 12:10), but in the power of the Holy Spirit. In every tremendous feat and daily duty, the excellent woman trusts in the strength that God provides. Her value is greater than riches untold. He who finds her and becomes her husband, receives favor from the Lord (Proverbs 31:10).

trustworthy
reliance on the integrity, strength, ability, surety, etc., of a person or thing; confidence

The husband of a trustworthy woman does not have the pressure to constantly "keep up with the Joneses" to satisfy his wife's wants and pleasures. The trustworthy woman does not look to her own selfish ambitions in the running of the household, but to God. She recognizes that all she has come from Him (1 Peter 4:10). She is consistent in her behavior, particularly in the prudent management of financial resources.

beneficent
doing good or causing good to be done; conferring benefits; kindly in action or purpose

The marriage relationship is the strongest of all earthly influences, and the love of God guides the beneficent woman in this realm of influence. In contrast to the foolish woman of Proverbs 14:1, she does not bring shame to her household. She makes the home a contrast to the workplace for her husband: A place of "sweet converse that beguiles him of his cares and peace, and love, and order, and gentle welcome and soothing sympathy." The beneficent woman prays for her husband, gently reminds him of the promises in God's word, rejoices with him, does not listen with indifference, encourages him to holiness and virtue, and warns against sin.

enterprising
ready to undertake projects of importance or difficulty; energetic in carrying out any undertaking

The enterprising woman brings good to her household and cares to secure quality food and other items that make home life special. The work of her hands is not only a blessing to her household, but to others outside the home through bartering or selling. She gives to those who are truly needy: the poor whom sickness has prevented from labor, the little child, and others. Everyone who enters her home is benefited.

The wise and active conquer difficulties by daring to attempt them.
Sloth and Folly shiver and shrink at sight of toil and trouble.
And make the impossibilities they fear.

provident
having or showing foresight; providing carefully for the future

The provident woman awakes early and manages the home. Such orderliness of the home is great help to her husband in his productivity and leading of the family. Basic areas of stewardship include cooking, cleanliness of the home, management of finances, care and training of children. Idle wives are either slothful or weary busybodies, while a woman who works diligently has freshness and energy. The energetic woman is engaged in earnestly furthering the Kingdom of God through fervent prayer and action. Anne Pratt wrote, "It should become a subject of deep and frequent thought to every woman, and especially to every Christian woman, whether her time is rightly spent."

Here is a fitting quote about the destructiveness of idleness: "Idleness is the badge of gentry, the bane of body and mind, the nurse of naughtiness, the stepmother of discipline, the chief author of all mischief, one of the seven deadly sins, the cushion upon which the devil chiefly reposes, and a great cause not only of melancholy, but of many other diseases: for the mind is naturally active; and if it be not occupied about some honest business, it rushes into mischief or sinks into melancholy." (Robert Burton, 1577 - 1640)

prudent
wise or judicious in practical affairs; sagacious; discreet or circumspect; sober

The prudent woman is one of forethought, preparedness, judgment, discretion and wisdom. For the sick, she anticipates want, bears patiently, ministers relief and love. Her ways are ways of pleasantness and all her paths are peace, because she does not have an anxious mind, but trusts in the providence of God. The daily acts of her life are governed by the law of kindness. She guards against the evil of gossip by not dwelling on the fallacies of others.

Besides the general commands to love our poorer neighbor, we are especially to do good to them who are of the household of faith. We are told to lay down our lives for the brethren. Whoso hath this world's good, and seeth his brother have need and shuteth up his bowels of compassion from him, how dwelleth the love of God in him?

Much like Solomon's great-great Grandmother, Ruth, the woman spoken of in Proverbs 31 was probably a person of wealth and the wife of one who "sat among the elders of the land." Nevertheless, she makes herself useful in her role, rather than basking listlessly in it, because she tasted the goodness of God. She is thankful and has a reputation of a life of strength and dignity. She rejoices at the time to come, treasuring in her heart verses like, "Even to your old age I AM, and even to hoar hairs I carry you", (Isaiah 46:4) and "Well done, thou good and faithful servant, enter thou into the joy of the Lord" (Matthew 25:21).

The humble and lowly Christian, performing the simplest and commonest duties of domestic life in His fear, seeking His counsel, and earnestly striving to keep his commands, praying for guidance of the Holy Spirit and confidently trusting for the pardon of her sin in Him who died on the cross to redeem her - this is the woman on whom shall be bestowed that best, that only praise which is truly valuable, for her Lord shall say, "She hath chosen that good part, which shall not be taken away from her."

Gospel-Centered Marriages for a Glorious Church, 4/4

Hope Baptist Elder, Dan Horn spoke on the role of romance and emotions.  The message was intertwined with great historical context – Reformation, Scholasticism - “the mind is not fallen” [NOT], Romanticism and more.  Here are points from this talk:

• The purpose of every righteous courtship is to find God's will and prescription for marriage.
• Man acting in a heroic way is what it means to be romantic NOT “how will he swoon over me??!!!1111" Romantic scenes – 1 Samuel 18:25-27; Joshua 15:16-17
• Jesus Christ was about big things, don't let your marriage be about small things.
• Desires can be evil: Colossians 3:5  / Desires can be good: 2 Tim. 3:12, Luke 22:15
• James 1:13-16 – fight against the perversion of a desire into something unrighteous; be careful about the violating the 10th commandment
• God is not weak, weeping... “I love you so much!!!” [I'm crazzzy for you!] He said conquer, come along beside me minister.
• Jesus came and died to do his Father's will, [and rose] to glorify.
• Jeremiah 12:5 - self-control; 1 Corinthians 7:9; Jeremiah 29
• "GROW UP!" 

Here are points from his talk on unequal yoking:

• Deuteronomy 22:10; Romans 8:28
• Process of courtship: understand who God would match together to do work for the service of God
• Equal yoking in the context of dominion, furthering the work of God  – 1 Cor. 22:7; 1 Cor. 7:8-9
• More worthy – “I will give my life for you to spend.”
• Marriage – no aggravation, but covering of weaknesses, not just matching strengths
• Theology (agree on the majors) & How to determine major or minor: Can you overlook it?
• Is this a match that glorifies the Kingdom of Heaven?

There you have it!  These conclude my notes from Gospel-Centered Marriages for a Glorious Church.  There were around 30 messages presented there.  A set of MP3s or CDs from the conference can be purchased here.

Gospel-Centered Marriages for a Glorious Church, 3/4

Paul Washer spoke at a session called “Principles of Courtship.”  The complete message is available for download at Sermon Audio.

Here are some points from the talk:

• We are living in a culture where everyone is encouraged to do what is right in their own eyes (Judges 17:6)
• Do you believe the Bible is sufficient and inerrant for every aspect of life?
• Live to the glory of God; study God's will revealed in the scriptures and seek to submit every aspect of life to them.
• In courtship for singles: Elders can take the place of neglectful parents.
• Recreational dating meets self-centered, selfish desires
• Timing of courtship: when a young person awakens to desire the opposite sex, it is not time to participate, but to prepare.
• Sign of male maturity – unaided devotion to God; moral fortitude (Jeremiah 12:5)
• Sign of female maturity – could I manage a home?
• “Society is falling is apart because the family has become a sitcom.”

Principles:

• Relationship is initiated by the man: trust in prayer & sovereignty of God
• Carefully examine/evaluate motives - are you attracted to Biblical beauty or sexuality? To virtue or winsome personality?
• 1 Timothy 3 / Titus 1 – mature man

Gospel-Centered Marriages for a Glorious Church, 2/4

Joel Beeke gave a great historical overview on Puritan marriage at the Gospel Centered Marriages for a Glorious Church conference. The Merriam-Webster Dictionary defines a Puritan as “a member of a 16th and 17th century Protestant group in England and New England opposing as unscriptural the ceremonial worship and the prelacy of the Church of England.”

Thanks to high school literary curriculum and historical revisionism, my view of the Puritans before the faith came was skewed. I still have some unlearning to do, and I look forward to learning more about their belief that Scripture was sufficient for every area of life.

Beeke talked about the Puritans' positive attitude toward families and marriage. He read the Anglican and Puritan marriage vows. Both vows are wonderfully scriptural, but they are ordered differently. He pointed out that the Puritan vows list “marriage for the mutual help and comfort” (according to Malachi 2:15 and 1 Corinthians 7:3) first, while the Anglican vows place it last.

Beeke mentioned a Puritan author by the name of William Gouge. I was seated beside my friends Chuck and Sarah during the talk. They have been married for two years and they shared that Gouge's book, Of Domestical Duties, has been a great help to them.

Puritan Marriage Procedures:

1. Getting to know/like/love each other under supervision
2. Contract of espousal [engagement]
3. Contract formally announced for three successive Sundays
4. Public solemnization of vows
5. Civil celebration
6. Feasting, tasteful riddles
7. Consummation (when marriage is considered official)

Puritan Criteria for Suitable Mates:

• Wisdom in walking in Christ
• Leadership skills, demeanor
• Submission
• Mature & properly motivated
• Fairly equal in class & cultural resources
• Somewhat attractive to each other

The minimum Puritan marriage age was 12 for girls, 14 for boys - in the 16^th and 17^th century they were attending Yale, Harvard and/or had full-time jobs by age 9. The average age people actually married was 17 to 21; life expectancy at that time was 45 years.

Other Points:

• Husbands love absolutely, purposefully, realistically & sacrificially
• Mutual duties - love, fidelity, joy
• Understood the covenantal principle/covenant theology [would there be as many divorces, or even marriages, if people truly understood and took covenants seriously today?]
• 1 Timothy 4:1-3 prophesies one of the many fallacies of Catholic doctrine (forbidding priests to marry)
• A wife: a helpmeet in business, troubles, sickness, content with husband's work, social standing and financial status, always joy to see him, thrifty without being miserly, sober, modest
• Children were viewed as gifts of God
• Children brought up early on in the nurture and admonition of the Word
• Everyday singing in home up to the glory of God - Psalm 118:15

Gospel-Centered Marriages for a Glorious Church, 1/4

From October 27th to the 29th, I attended the Gospel-Centered Marriages for a Glorious Church Conference in Asheville, North Carolina. I plan to do a series of four posts based on my notes from some of the messages I heard, with this being the first.

Scott Brown, an Elder at the Church I have been attending since August, spoke on Ephesians 5:14-33:

• The longest statement in the New Testament about marriage
• The classic foundational text on the roles of husbands and wives
• Gives us language to help us understand marriage and the mystery of Christ and the Church
• Shows how to prepare for marriage
• Shows what it means to be filled with the Holy Spirit 

Text of Ephesians 5:14-33 (NASB): 
^/14 For this reason ^[a]it says,
   “Awake, sleeper,
And arise from the dead,
And Christ will shine on you.”
 ¹⁵ Therefore ^[b]be careful how you walk, not as unwise men but as wise, ^{16 [c]}making the most of your time, because the days are evil. ¹⁷ So then do not be foolish, but understand what the will of the Lord is. ¹⁸ And do not get drunk with wine, ^[d]for that is dissipation, but be filled with the Spirit, ¹⁹ speaking to ^[e]one another in psalms and hymns and spiritual songs, singing and making melody with your heart to the Lord; ²⁰ always giving thanks for all things in the name of our Lord Jesus Christ to ^[f]God, even the Father; ^{21 [g]}and be subject to one another in the ^[h]fear of Christ.
 ²² Wives, be subject to your own husbands, as to the Lord.   For the husband is the head of the wife, as Christ also is the head of the church, He Himself being the Savior of the body. ²⁴ But as the church is subject to Christ, so also the wives ought to be to their husbands in everything.
 ²⁵ Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ also loved the church and gave Himself up for her, ²⁶ so that He might sanctify her, having cleansed her by the washing of water with the word, ²⁷ that He might present to Himself the church ^[i]in all her glory, having no spot or wrinkle or any such thing; but that she would be holy and blameless. ²⁸ So husbands ought also to love their own wives as their own bodies. He who loves his own wife loves himself; ²⁹ for no one ever hated his own flesh, but nourishes and cherishes it, just as Christ also does the church, ³⁰ because we are members of His body. ³¹ FOR THIS REASON A MAN SHALL LEAVE HIS FATHER AND MOTHER AND SHALL BE JOINED TO HIS WIFE, AND THE TWO SHALL BECOME ONE FLESH. ³² This mystery is great; but I am speaking with reference to Christ and the church. ³³ Nevertheless, each individual among you also is to love his own wife even as himself, and the wife must see to it that she ^[j]respects her husband./

Three reasons for submission:

• The husband is the head of the wife
• To understand creation order
• To understand the Fall

DESIRE to submit to the Lord is the prerequisite to being a submissive wife.  Studying ecclesiology, which is the theological study of the Christian church, will help you understand what it means to be the Bride of Christ.

Other great points:

• A wife has perfect commands to follow [Holy Scripture], but the Church is the imperfect model [until the Great Day].
• Marriage is not about finding the perfect match, but reflecting the likeness of Jesus Christ.
• Know how to talk to one another without getting into provocation mode.
• A husbands sins are a part of a wife's sanctification and cleansing.
• Communication is enormously important; men must be wordsmiths, they must talk.

William Gouge Quote:
"A husband accepts what she is willing and able to do; takes notice of her goodness; cares where she lives..."

I really appreciated Elder Brown's remark that espousal and marriage is Biblical, while courtship is a convention [that will get people to the point of espousal, or not, in a God-honoring way].